1 00:00:54,487 --> 00:00:56,785 - Morning, Tinker. - Good morning to you, sir! 2 00:00:56,823 --> 00:00:58,313 Beautiful day. 3 00:00:58,358 --> 00:01:02,454 God's in his heaven and all is right with the world. 4 00:01:02,495 --> 00:01:04,463 Stick the kettle on. 5 00:01:04,497 --> 00:01:05,987 Lovejoy! 6 00:01:06,032 --> 00:01:09,593 (Eric) ♪ Day-oh, day-oooh! 7 00:01:09,636 --> 00:01:13,231 ♪ Daylight come and you gotta get up 8 00:01:13,273 --> 00:01:15,264 (Reveille on bugle) 9 00:01:15,308 --> 00:01:17,469 Shut up, Eric! 10 00:01:17,510 --> 00:01:19,603 (Hammering on door) 11 00:01:19,646 --> 00:01:22,137 - Come on, Lovejoy. Rise and shine. - (Groans) 12 00:01:27,587 --> 00:01:33,150 "Oft, when the white, still dawn lifted the skies and pushed the hills apart, 13 00:01:33,193 --> 00:01:39,098 "I have felt the newborn morning like a glory in my heart." 14 00:01:39,132 --> 00:01:41,623 - (Bugle blasts) - Shut up, Tinker! 15 00:01:41,668 --> 00:01:43,659 Come on, Lovejoy. Shake a leg. 16 00:01:43,703 --> 00:01:47,230 We're supposed to be at the Kiverton mega antique and auto jumble sale, 17 00:01:47,273 --> 00:01:49,434 and they're letting the trade in at nine o'clock. 18 00:01:49,476 --> 00:01:54,277 I don't want to go. Go without me, take Miriam. The cash is in the toilet-roll dispenser. 19 00:01:54,314 --> 00:01:57,715 I never want to see another mega antique fair as long as I live. 20 00:01:58,551 --> 00:02:01,315 I know how you feel, Lovejoy. 21 00:02:01,354 --> 00:02:05,518 "Sleep! It is a gentle thing, Beloved from pole to pole." 22 00:02:05,558 --> 00:02:08,755 And Hungarian to Hungarian, and Czech to Czech. 23 00:02:08,795 --> 00:02:11,628 And me, I'm depressed, Tinker. I like it here. 24 00:02:11,664 --> 00:02:14,656 I want to stay in bed for the rest of my life. Good night. 25 00:02:17,604 --> 00:02:20,801 Ah, you're just in time. Lovejoy's taken to his bed and he won't get up. 26 00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:23,070 - Good morning, Eric. - Oh, sorry. Morning. 27 00:02:23,109 --> 00:02:25,577 - (Hums) - (Lovejoy moans) 28 00:02:28,114 --> 00:02:30,582 - Morning, Lovejoy! - (Groans) 29 00:02:30,617 --> 00:02:34,553 Listen, I have to go to Portsmouth today. I promised Vera I'd take her there. 30 00:02:34,587 --> 00:02:38,216 You remember my old housekeeper. She's a widow and she'd never get there on her own. 31 00:02:38,258 --> 00:02:41,659 So I thought perhaps you might like to drive us down there. 32 00:02:41,694 --> 00:02:43,924 You can't stay here all day. 33 00:02:43,963 --> 00:02:47,558 Come on, Lovejoy. A day at the seaside'd do you the world of good. 34 00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:51,434 Yeah, go on. See the Victory, plate of whelks, kiss-me-quick hat... 35 00:02:51,471 --> 00:02:54,201 - I hate whelks. - It's just that Vera's a bit old. 36 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:56,902 I really would prefer to sit in the back with her. 37 00:02:57,977 --> 00:02:59,968 It's a lovely day out there. 38 00:03:03,950 --> 00:03:07,579 - Argh! - You're called, sir. 39 00:03:30,009 --> 00:03:32,477 (Men chatting) 40 00:03:35,515 --> 00:03:37,176 (Laughter) 41 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:49,726 Hey, what's going on? 42 00:03:50,630 --> 00:03:55,329 Vera's brother was a submarine captain. Terence Bucknall. He's being buried at sea. 43 00:03:55,368 --> 00:03:59,668 You got me to drive all the way down here for a funeral? How could you do this to me, Janey? 44 00:03:59,706 --> 00:04:03,107 You are not going to the funeral. You were kind enough to drive us down here. 45 00:04:03,142 --> 00:04:06,202 It's a beautiful day. Spend two hours doing whatever you want. 46 00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:09,841 There's stacks to see here. You can even go for a paddle. 47 00:04:14,587 --> 00:04:17,784 - This is Lady Jane Felsham. - Hello. 48 00:04:17,824 --> 00:04:19,189 And Lovejoy? 49 00:04:32,605 --> 00:04:36,234 This is Harry Mackie, Ivan and Don. 50 00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:39,507 They served in my brother's crew during the war. 51 00:04:39,545 --> 00:04:41,445 Pleased to meet you, my lady. 52 00:04:41,481 --> 00:04:43,472 Jane's fine by me. 53 00:04:43,516 --> 00:04:45,507 - Ivan. - Don. 54 00:04:46,219 --> 00:04:48,380 I am very pleased to meet you, sir. 55 00:04:48,421 --> 00:04:51,185 Oh, no, no, no, no, no sirs. I'm just staff. 56 00:04:51,224 --> 00:04:53,954 Oh, don't worry. We're all working-class as well. 57 00:04:54,894 --> 00:04:57,829 Ladies and gentlemen. 58 00:04:57,864 --> 00:05:00,731 You may board whenever you wish. 59 00:05:05,405 --> 00:05:07,600 Janey. 60 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:09,437 These fellas are drunk as skunks. 61 00:05:09,475 --> 00:05:13,809 If you're not careful, Captain Bucknall won't be the only one over the side. 62 00:05:15,915 --> 00:05:19,078 Thanks very much. Thanks a lot. 63 00:05:19,118 --> 00:05:21,586 - There you are, Vera, darling. - Thank you. 64 00:05:22,855 --> 00:05:24,846 - My lady. - Are you all right? 65 00:05:24,891 --> 00:05:26,483 OK, Ivan. 66 00:05:26,526 --> 00:05:29,120 - God bless you, Harry. - Ooh, watch the bottle! 67 00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:31,153 (Harry laughs) 68 00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:46,042 Oh. That's really good of you, sir. 69 00:05:46,079 --> 00:05:48,343 Very noble, if I may say so. 70 00:05:53,119 --> 00:05:55,849 - Argh! - (Thud) 71 00:05:55,888 --> 00:05:57,879 Don? 72 00:05:58,925 --> 00:06:01,086 - Don? - (Groans) I don't know. 73 00:06:01,127 --> 00:06:03,254 I never saw anything there. 74 00:06:04,263 --> 00:06:08,393 - Don, are you all right? - Yes, I'm fine. 75 00:06:08,434 --> 00:06:13,235 Would you just have a check in the bag, make sure the bloody bottle's still in one piece? 76 00:06:13,272 --> 00:06:15,763 No leaks. 77 00:06:15,808 --> 00:06:19,505 - Me neither! No leaks! - Come on. 78 00:06:19,545 --> 00:06:24,244 - Now, watch your head. - Lovejoy, don't bother about Don. 79 00:06:24,283 --> 00:06:27,218 He'll get his sea legs back in a wee while. 80 00:06:28,087 --> 00:06:34,048 It's these bloody plastic knee joints. You can't oil the damn things. 81 00:06:34,093 --> 00:06:36,891 If you ask me, there's too much oil in you already. 82 00:06:38,331 --> 00:06:40,322 Janey. 83 00:06:42,368 --> 00:06:45,701 I'll be off now. So I'll... I'll wait on the quay, OK? 84 00:06:45,738 --> 00:06:48,673 - OK. - Thank you, Lovejoy. You're very kind. 85 00:06:48,708 --> 00:06:53,077 - (Drunken shouting) - Don't start arguing, for God's sake. 86 00:06:53,112 --> 00:06:55,103 (Boat engine chugging) 87 00:06:57,583 --> 00:06:59,574 - Ah. - Erm... 88 00:07:02,121 --> 00:07:04,112 - Thank you. - That's all right. 89 00:07:15,034 --> 00:07:18,265 Stop the ship. Stop the ship! 90 00:07:18,304 --> 00:07:22,206 Hey, hey, hey, you cannae just stop a ship just like that, man. 91 00:07:22,241 --> 00:07:25,301 If we miss this tide, we'll be hanging about here till midnight. 92 00:07:25,344 --> 00:07:27,972 No, no, no, you don't understand. I'm not supposed to be here. 93 00:07:28,014 --> 00:07:30,346 I'm the driver. I hate ships. 94 00:07:30,383 --> 00:07:34,046 What do you mean, a driver? I thought you was the sky pilot. 95 00:07:34,086 --> 00:07:36,077 - What's that? - The padre. 96 00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:40,320 The man that's come to say a few words over poor old Buck, 97 00:07:40,359 --> 00:07:42,759 before we see him off. 98 00:07:42,795 --> 00:07:44,922 This was all her idea, wasn't it? 99 00:07:44,964 --> 00:07:50,231 You planned this, didn't you?! Why, oh, why didn't you let me stay in bed?! 100 00:07:52,972 --> 00:07:57,306 Hey. Hey, don't you worry about him, m'lady. He'll be all right. 101 00:07:57,343 --> 00:08:00,073 Come on, come on, you'll be fine. 102 00:08:00,112 --> 00:08:05,914 Lovejoy, may I introduce Captain Terry Bucknall. 103 00:08:05,952 --> 00:08:07,943 Hey, come here! 104 00:08:07,987 --> 00:08:12,356 One of the greatest submarine captains who ever lived. 105 00:08:12,391 --> 00:08:15,383 Sank half the Italian navy. Aye. 106 00:08:26,405 --> 00:08:29,806 - Excuse me, you're trade, aren't you? - Yeah, how did you know? 107 00:08:29,842 --> 00:08:32,936 Takes one to know one. Here, I bet you've never seen this before. 108 00:08:32,979 --> 00:08:35,243 Not just state of the art. This is the art. 109 00:08:35,281 --> 00:08:38,808 The latest catalytic polymer acrylic resin, just arrived from the States. 110 00:08:38,851 --> 00:08:41,183 - Glue, you mean? - No, not glue. This is not glue. 111 00:08:41,220 --> 00:08:43,882 This stuff'll bind anything to anything. And I mean anything. 112 00:08:43,923 --> 00:08:48,656 That's why it says in the instructions, always go to the loo before you use it. 113 00:08:48,694 --> 00:08:53,222 - That's magic glue. We've got some of that. - Not this, you haven't. Look at this. 114 00:08:58,137 --> 00:09:02,665 Woodworm excrement. Fine as snuff. Look at it, totally knackered. 115 00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:05,370 Here we go. 116 00:09:05,411 --> 00:09:07,402 Hard as bell metal, that is. 117 00:09:07,446 --> 00:09:11,177 And all I did was mix a little of the resin with water, 118 00:09:11,217 --> 00:09:15,347 paint it over the piece, inject some in it and let science do the rest. 119 00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:19,483 Miracle, innit? Don't know how it works. 120 00:09:20,326 --> 00:09:24,262 Some boffin told me it was something to do with rearranging molecules. 121 00:09:24,297 --> 00:09:27,095 Whatever it is, it's all cash to us. 122 00:09:27,133 --> 00:09:29,397 You just mix it with water and paint it on? 123 00:09:29,435 --> 00:09:32,768 Simple as that. Your average punter could do it blindfold. 124 00:09:32,805 --> 00:09:36,935 This is one little item which I think should be kept in the trade, don't you? 125 00:09:36,976 --> 00:09:39,171 Yeah. How much is it? 126 00:09:39,211 --> 00:09:41,736 Well, it don't come cheap. Fifty quid a tube. 127 00:09:41,781 --> 00:09:43,874 Fifty quid? You must be joking! 128 00:09:43,916 --> 00:09:46,851 Forty for trade. If you don't want it, there's a few who will. 129 00:09:46,886 --> 00:09:48,877 Just trying to do you a favor. 130 00:09:50,756 --> 00:09:53,953 - Go on, then. - You won't regret it, believe you me. 131 00:09:53,993 --> 00:09:55,984 Yeah, well, if I do, you will. 132 00:09:56,028 --> 00:09:59,964 (Harry) And then we sunk an Italian cruiser, the Michelangelo. 133 00:09:59,999 --> 00:10:01,557 - (Ivan) That was off Elba. - Correct. 134 00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:06,038 And later the same day, we sent to the bottom an armed tugboat. 135 00:10:06,072 --> 00:10:09,269 - The Lecca. - The Lecca! You're right, Ivan. Yes, yes. 136 00:10:11,110 --> 00:10:15,012 - And what did you do? - Me? Oh, I was just a diver. 137 00:10:15,047 --> 00:10:17,072 And a outside tiffy. 138 00:10:18,017 --> 00:10:19,644 - Outside what? - Tiffy. 139 00:10:19,685 --> 00:10:21,516 - Tiffy. - A Tifficer. 140 00:10:21,554 --> 00:10:23,545 - Pardon? - Engineer! 141 00:10:24,223 --> 00:10:30,128 I was personally responsible for everything mechanical outside the engine room. 142 00:10:30,162 --> 00:10:32,960 That man there, signaler. 143 00:10:32,999 --> 00:10:35,365 And Ivan, stoker. 144 00:10:37,503 --> 00:10:40,438 What is this with this chianti? Have you got shares in it? 145 00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:44,933 - No, no, no. This was Buck's favorite tipple. - Aye. 146 00:10:44,977 --> 00:10:47,445 - To Buck! - To Buck. 147 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:52,213 - God bless. - If you'd care to step outside, we've arrived. 148 00:11:12,972 --> 00:11:14,872 Perhaps someone would say a few words 149 00:11:14,907 --> 00:11:18,172 before we commit Captain Bucknall's remains to the deep. 150 00:11:19,745 --> 00:11:21,736 Well... 151 00:11:21,781 --> 00:11:24,375 I... I wouldn't know what to say. 152 00:11:26,352 --> 00:11:30,482 I just can't think of anything off the top of my head like that. 153 00:11:33,659 --> 00:11:35,650 This is awful. 154 00:11:36,796 --> 00:11:38,787 Oh, I cannae. 155 00:11:38,831 --> 00:11:40,822 I couldnae do that. 156 00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:43,897 I'm no good at that sort of thing. 157 00:11:43,936 --> 00:11:45,927 Me neither. 158 00:11:45,971 --> 00:11:47,905 Oh, this is terrible. 159 00:11:47,940 --> 00:11:51,273 We can't stay here all day, sir. Can't you say something? 160 00:11:51,310 --> 00:11:55,178 Look, the only thing the deceased and I have in common 161 00:11:55,214 --> 00:11:57,808 is that we both want to get off this bloody boat. 162 00:11:57,850 --> 00:12:00,011 Then it appears to be down to you, sir. 163 00:12:14,700 --> 00:12:16,395 Farewell, poor world, I must be gone. 164 00:12:16,435 --> 00:12:18,494 Thou art no home, no rest to me. 165 00:12:18,537 --> 00:12:21,995 I take my ship and travel on till I a better world do see. 166 00:12:24,977 --> 00:12:28,071 Into the ocean, where there's rest, 167 00:12:28,114 --> 00:12:30,378 I go, I leave, I part with speed. 168 00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:33,476 The way is long, the end is sweet. 169 00:12:33,519 --> 00:12:38,547 Once more, poor world, farewell, indeed. 170 00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:42,425 In leaving thee, the sea I meet. 171 00:12:55,574 --> 00:13:00,273 We commit the body of Captain Terence Bucknall 172 00:13:01,881 --> 00:13:03,872 to the deep. 173 00:13:11,824 --> 00:13:14,816 (Drunken shouting) 174 00:13:14,860 --> 00:13:17,954 (All) Viva! Viva! 175 00:13:17,997 --> 00:13:22,127 - Rest in peace! - Rest in peace, Buck! 176 00:13:22,168 --> 00:13:26,070 (All) Viva! Viva! Viva! 177 00:13:29,008 --> 00:13:33,104 (Sobbing) Buckto's Brigata! 178 00:13:33,145 --> 00:13:38,811 That was very touching. You know that? You're a sensitive old soul at heart, aren't you? 179 00:13:38,851 --> 00:13:41,115 Yeah, it was from a school play when I was 14. 180 00:13:41,153 --> 00:13:44,384 It was a boys' school, but I always played the girl's parts. 181 00:13:44,423 --> 00:13:46,414 I was a pretty youth. 182 00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:52,222 That dagger there represents secret agents landed in the South of France. 183 00:13:52,264 --> 00:13:54,789 And then the poor buggers got caught and shot. 184 00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:59,237 And that dagger represents agents landed in Sardinia. 185 00:13:59,271 --> 00:14:01,364 - That's where we got shot and caught. - Yeah. 186 00:14:01,407 --> 00:14:06,504 Oh, I mean, Buck did his best to get us out of it, all right, but no way, no way! 187 00:14:06,545 --> 00:14:10,413 - Aye, we lost the boat, didn't we, boys? - God bless. 188 00:14:10,449 --> 00:14:12,940 Where's... Where's Don? 189 00:14:12,985 --> 00:14:15,453 Where's Don? 190 00:14:16,755 --> 00:14:19,815 Oh... I'll have to sit down, fellas. 191 00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:24,819 - Come and sit here, you silly old tart. - What? Over there? Oh... 192 00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:29,563 It was dawn and we'd just landed these two agents near Olbia on the east coast. 193 00:14:29,602 --> 00:14:32,093 And suddenly, they were spotted. 194 00:14:32,137 --> 00:14:35,231 Quick, it's an Eyetie seaplane! 195 00:14:35,274 --> 00:14:38,141 Radio their positions back to a shore battery. 196 00:14:39,044 --> 00:14:44,573 Lucky bastards! They couldn't hit the ground if they were shooting out of a tree. 197 00:14:44,617 --> 00:14:48,986 - One stray shell. - Straight to their after end and exploded. 198 00:14:49,021 --> 00:14:53,151 Buck immediately got everybody off and went haring back and tried to save them. 199 00:14:53,192 --> 00:14:57,492 - But no, he was forced to scuttle. - And then we were picked up by a patrol boat. 200 00:14:57,529 --> 00:15:02,023 - Put into a stinking dungeon. - Back to Naples and a prisoner-of-war camp. 201 00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:05,798 - Do you know what happened then? - Mussolini popped in for tea? 202 00:15:05,838 --> 00:15:08,170 No, he did not. 203 00:15:08,207 --> 00:15:12,974 The very next day, the Italians, they capit... they cap... 204 00:15:13,012 --> 00:15:15,742 They surrendered, gave in, chucked in the towel. 205 00:15:15,781 --> 00:15:19,547 Ah! No stomach for it, Harry! Never have had. 206 00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:22,213 Oh, we were offski, very sharp. 207 00:15:22,254 --> 00:15:26,418 Straight up the mountains, we got joined up with the partisans, fought the Germans. 208 00:15:26,458 --> 00:15:29,985 Know what they called us? Bucknall's Brigata! 209 00:15:30,029 --> 00:15:32,020 Bucknall's Brigata! 210 00:15:32,064 --> 00:15:34,862 Have a look at that, Lovejoy. That's Buck in the middle. 211 00:15:34,900 --> 00:15:38,666 And that's me, just beside him. There's Ivan and there's Don. 212 00:15:43,709 --> 00:15:47,372 We came across this villa which had been used as a love nest, would you believe, 213 00:15:47,413 --> 00:15:50,382 by Mussolini and his mistress, Clara Petacci, 214 00:15:50,416 --> 00:15:55,877 guarded by half a regiment of the toughest looking Blackshirts we'd ever laid eyes on, 215 00:15:55,921 --> 00:15:59,152 dug in ten deep behind sand bags, barbed wire. 216 00:15:59,191 --> 00:16:01,455 Fought like bloody tigers, they did. 217 00:16:01,493 --> 00:16:03,688 They would not give an inch. 218 00:16:03,729 --> 00:16:08,223 Made us sweat blood that day for every foot of ground we took. 219 00:16:08,267 --> 00:16:12,431 I remember the bullets whizzing round like wasps, the grenades popping, 220 00:16:12,471 --> 00:16:14,063 as if it was yesterday. 221 00:16:14,106 --> 00:16:19,544 What was left of them, and you could have counted them on the fingers of one hand, 222 00:16:19,578 --> 00:16:21,170 did pull out in the end, 223 00:16:21,213 --> 00:16:25,707 but not before the buggers had taken us down to our last ten rounds. 224 00:16:25,751 --> 00:16:29,619 Blood, sweat and tears the man promised, and that's what we got. 225 00:16:30,356 --> 00:16:33,757 We came across all this chianti, got a bottle each. 226 00:16:33,792 --> 00:16:37,023 We could hardly stand by the time we'd finished that. 227 00:16:37,062 --> 00:16:40,395 Buck told us, take anything we wanted. 228 00:16:40,432 --> 00:16:45,233 I remember that he took a picture of Mussolini. Don't know why. He didnae like the bugger. 229 00:16:45,270 --> 00:16:48,569 Don had the bottle of chianti, but not for long. 230 00:16:48,607 --> 00:16:51,633 Buck shot it clean out of his hand. 231 00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:54,043 Two bottles, two bulletsl 232 00:16:55,114 --> 00:17:01,519 And then he saw this granite bust of old Musso staring down at him, and he hit the roof. 233 00:17:01,553 --> 00:17:05,922 He'd always held Mussolini personally responsible for sinking his boat. 234 00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:10,827 He ran up to him, whacked him in the mush and the nose flew right off. 235 00:17:12,498 --> 00:17:16,195 (Men) ♪ This is my story, this is my song 236 00:17:16,235 --> 00:17:18,362 I hope they're not annoying you, Jane. 237 00:17:18,404 --> 00:17:21,931 There's no stopping them when they've got a full head of steam. 238 00:17:22,941 --> 00:17:25,273 ♪... too bloody long! 239 00:17:25,310 --> 00:17:29,246 ♪ So roll up the rug... 240 00:17:30,549 --> 00:17:33,017 Vera would like to ask you something, Lovejoy. 241 00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:35,384 Oh. You ask him, Jane. 242 00:17:36,855 --> 00:17:41,087 Vera's brother left a few things and she wondered if you'd sell them for her. 243 00:17:41,126 --> 00:17:43,720 He didn't leave much. He lived here for nothing, 244 00:17:43,762 --> 00:17:48,927 and all that's left is his cap and his medals and his flag. 245 00:17:48,967 --> 00:17:53,199 By rights, they should all really go to the Submarine Museum in Gosport. 246 00:17:53,238 --> 00:17:55,934 I know they'd like them. 247 00:17:55,974 --> 00:17:59,967 But... you know how it is. 248 00:18:00,012 --> 00:18:01,809 Yeah. 249 00:18:01,847 --> 00:18:03,838 Yes, Vera, I know how it is. 250 00:18:03,882 --> 00:18:06,442 Well, I'll, erm... do my best. 251 00:18:06,485 --> 00:18:11,149 Excuse me, Don and Ivan are leaving while they can still sing. 252 00:18:11,190 --> 00:18:13,454 I've ordered a taxi for them. 253 00:18:13,492 --> 00:18:17,826 But I'll wait on and give you a hand in the kitchen, if that's OK with you, Vera? 254 00:18:17,863 --> 00:18:20,457 That's very kind of you, Harry. 255 00:18:20,499 --> 00:18:23,957 Lovejoy's going to find a good home for Terry's things. 256 00:18:24,837 --> 00:18:26,930 You... 257 00:18:26,972 --> 00:18:29,600 You did better than any padre. 258 00:18:31,376 --> 00:18:33,367 Thank you. 259 00:18:33,412 --> 00:18:35,812 That goes in Buck's box. 260 00:18:36,648 --> 00:18:38,639 Excuse me. 261 00:18:41,487 --> 00:18:44,718 May I share a thought with you? 262 00:18:46,325 --> 00:18:50,819 So far today, I've been dragged out of bed, press-ganged into a funeral at sea, 263 00:18:50,863 --> 00:18:53,991 and the only antiques I've seen all day are these three, 264 00:18:54,032 --> 00:18:56,466 who really ought to be certified... 265 00:18:56,502 --> 00:18:58,333 as national living treasures. 266 00:18:58,370 --> 00:19:00,167 And what do I finish up with? 267 00:19:00,205 --> 00:19:04,301 Ten per cent of a box of this, which I don't think is going to turn out to be Blackbeard's treasure. 268 00:19:04,343 --> 00:19:07,710 (Slurred singing) 269 00:19:07,746 --> 00:19:11,614 ♪ This no-fun old bastard is getting me down 270 00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:15,609 ♪ Heave away! Heave away! 271 00:19:15,654 --> 00:19:20,148 ♪ The queen of society, she's down our way ♪ 272 00:19:20,192 --> 00:19:22,183 (Laughter) 273 00:19:24,663 --> 00:19:27,655 I mean, look at that, Tink. My Windsor armchair. 274 00:19:28,300 --> 00:19:30,632 You'd be looking at 1400 if that was all of one piece. 275 00:19:30,669 --> 00:19:33,695 You'd be looking at 14 pence. 276 00:19:33,739 --> 00:19:37,334 The restoration labor costs alone would come to a thousand quid. 277 00:19:37,376 --> 00:19:39,776 But not with this. 278 00:19:39,811 --> 00:19:45,807 Because this is the latest cata... lyctic polymer acrylic resin from the United States of America. 279 00:19:45,851 --> 00:19:49,844 It rearranges the molecules, turns termite crap back into wood. 280 00:19:50,355 --> 00:19:54,052 - I got it from this bloke I know. - You got it from Ted the Polish. 281 00:19:54,092 --> 00:19:57,960 It doesn't come from the United States at all. It comes from the gas board. 282 00:19:57,996 --> 00:20:00,260 - Hey? - It's emergency joint sealant. 283 00:20:00,299 --> 00:20:03,826 His brother-in-law gets it for about two quid a gallon. 284 00:20:04,636 --> 00:20:06,570 (Sniffs) 285 00:20:06,605 --> 00:20:08,129 Gas board joint sealant? 286 00:20:08,173 --> 00:20:10,869 Yeah, Ted the Polish knocked a tube of it out to Eric. 287 00:20:10,909 --> 00:20:13,036 Ah. How much did he sting you for? A fiver? 288 00:20:13,078 --> 00:20:15,171 - Yeah, something like that. - And the rest! 289 00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:16,772 What's in the box? 290 00:20:16,815 --> 00:20:22,310 The estate of the late Captain Terence Bucknall, submarine commander. 291 00:20:22,354 --> 00:20:26,654 Eric, you get this for sinking an Italian cruiser. 292 00:20:26,692 --> 00:20:30,128 - How do I look? - About as naval as a bellybutton. 293 00:20:30,162 --> 00:20:34,098 Photograph of Mussolini and anonymous man. Might be worth something. 294 00:20:34,132 --> 00:20:35,997 - And what's this? - Who nose? 295 00:20:36,034 --> 00:20:38,594 Ah. Look at this group. 296 00:20:39,638 --> 00:20:43,039 O.B. E, Distinguished Service Cross, 297 00:20:43,075 --> 00:20:46,636 Naval General Service Medal with Palestine clasp. 298 00:20:46,678 --> 00:20:48,942 It's even got his name on it. Look at that. 299 00:20:48,981 --> 00:20:51,779 Sub-Lieutenant T.H. Bucknall, R.N. 300 00:20:53,085 --> 00:20:56,248 Named medals always notch up the value a pound or two. 301 00:20:57,089 --> 00:20:59,717 '39-'45 Star. 302 00:20:59,758 --> 00:21:03,626 Atlantic Star, Africa Star, Italy Star. 303 00:21:03,662 --> 00:21:06,256 Defence Medal and his War Medal. 304 00:21:07,065 --> 00:21:11,468 Oh! Oh, there's even a D.S.O. And Bar to go with it. 305 00:21:11,503 --> 00:21:14,370 Just look at that. What a man! 306 00:21:14,406 --> 00:21:16,772 I thought you were in the army. 307 00:21:16,808 --> 00:21:19,606 There's a citation from Buckingham Palace. 308 00:21:20,746 --> 00:21:24,204 - How much do you reckon, Tink? - Oh, thousands. 309 00:21:25,550 --> 00:21:31,546 But you know, it's a terrible tragedy that stone bravery should be reduced to hard cash. 310 00:21:48,307 --> 00:21:51,299 Janey, glad I caught you. 311 00:21:51,343 --> 00:21:57,248 While you're in London I want you to stop off in Tony's Militaria, Noel Street, behind Liberty's. 312 00:21:57,282 --> 00:22:00,251 - Who's Tony? - He's a second-generation Italian. 313 00:22:00,285 --> 00:22:04,551 Deals in SS uniforms, thumbscrews, deactivated grenades, whatever your bag is. 314 00:22:04,589 --> 00:22:07,217 - I don't think I like the sound of him. - Oh, he's all right. 315 00:22:07,259 --> 00:22:10,251 I just want you to see what he'll cough up for this, OK? 316 00:22:10,295 --> 00:22:12,286 Tony's Militaria, Noel Street. 317 00:22:15,634 --> 00:22:18,626 Vera could do very, very nicely out of this, Janey. 318 00:22:27,446 --> 00:22:30,313 Oh, hello there. Harry Mackie. 319 00:22:30,349 --> 00:22:33,716 Eric Catchpole. Uh... finance director. 320 00:22:33,752 --> 00:22:35,879 Oh. Is Lovejoy about? 321 00:22:35,921 --> 00:22:38,287 This way, sir. 322 00:22:38,323 --> 00:22:40,314 Lovejoy, Harry's here. 323 00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:42,350 - Hello, Harry. - Hello. 324 00:22:42,394 --> 00:22:46,922 I've spoken to Commander Jolly. He sends his best and he's looking forward to seeing us. 325 00:22:46,965 --> 00:22:49,365 Oh. (Laughs) 326 00:22:49,401 --> 00:22:52,393 Hope you don't keep your valuables in here. 327 00:22:52,437 --> 00:22:56,931 - Oh, why's that? - Oh, come on, a kid could open that. 328 00:22:56,975 --> 00:23:01,912 - How do you know? - Cos I used to be a very successful burglar. 329 00:23:01,947 --> 00:23:04,040 That's how. 330 00:23:07,552 --> 00:23:09,452 Where'd you get it from? 331 00:23:09,488 --> 00:23:12,480 It belonged to a submarine captain called Bucknall. 332 00:23:12,524 --> 00:23:17,484 I believe he took it from a villa once owned by Mussolini and Clara Petacci during the War. 333 00:23:21,767 --> 00:23:25,362 - I think it's called booty. - Yeah? How did you come across it? 334 00:23:25,404 --> 00:23:28,464 - Lovejoy asked me to pop in with it. - Oh, Lovejoy! 335 00:23:28,507 --> 00:23:31,340 I haven't seen him for ages. How is the old fruit? 336 00:23:31,376 --> 00:23:35,312 He's fine. That's not quite the description I would have used, but... 337 00:23:35,347 --> 00:23:37,815 - Look, uh? - Jane Felsham. 338 00:23:40,819 --> 00:23:43,982 Look, um... Lady Felsham. 339 00:23:44,022 --> 00:23:46,923 These sorts of things are very hard to place. 340 00:23:46,958 --> 00:23:50,917 Now, to get the best deal I need to talk to a few serious collectors. 341 00:23:50,962 --> 00:23:54,864 It's going to take a couple of days, so why don't I photocopy it and get back to you? 342 00:23:54,900 --> 00:23:57,300 Yes, all right, that's fine by me. 343 00:24:06,144 --> 00:24:08,738 25. But seeing as you're trade, 20. 344 00:24:08,780 --> 00:24:12,716 Oh, no, thank you very much. I'm not that kind of trade. 345 00:24:25,030 --> 00:24:27,021 (Phone rings) 346 00:24:27,065 --> 00:24:29,898 (Chatting in Italian) 347 00:24:29,935 --> 00:24:32,369 (Speaking Italian) 348 00:24:37,776 --> 00:24:41,837 (All shouting) 349 00:24:43,648 --> 00:24:45,639 (TV competing with shouting) 350 00:24:55,227 --> 00:24:57,218 Eh? 351 00:24:57,262 --> 00:24:59,253 (TV drowns voice) 352 00:25:02,701 --> 00:25:04,396 Pronto. Angelo. 353 00:25:04,436 --> 00:25:08,395 (Man) Hmm, four. Private collector, maybe four and a half. 354 00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:10,908 - That's thousands, right? - Naturally. 355 00:25:10,942 --> 00:25:14,503 There's someone I have in mind, a naval medal collector. I'll put you in touch. 356 00:25:14,546 --> 00:25:17,845 - Ten percent sound fair? - Let me think about it. 357 00:25:21,419 --> 00:25:23,410 Come here, Lovejoy. Come here. 358 00:25:24,155 --> 00:25:26,123 Come here. 359 00:25:26,157 --> 00:25:28,216 Here she is. That's her. 360 00:25:28,260 --> 00:25:31,161 Wait till you see this. Look. 361 00:25:32,297 --> 00:25:37,200 There is the actual signal form from us to HMS Maidstone in Algiers, 362 00:25:37,235 --> 00:25:40,671 telling them we had sunk the Michelangelo. 363 00:25:40,705 --> 00:25:43,538 Fifty years ago, eh? 364 00:25:43,575 --> 00:25:49,070 See what I mean, Lovejoy? Do you no' think old Buck's stuff should be here? 365 00:25:49,114 --> 00:25:50,581 You should discuss it with Vera. 366 00:25:50,615 --> 00:25:56,053 Well, I already have done. I mean, Vera's just like all the rest of us. She needs the money. 367 00:25:56,087 --> 00:26:00,217 Hey, Lovejoy, look at this. There's an antique Christmas cake here. 368 00:26:00,258 --> 00:26:05,321 Baked in 1942 for a submariner who was due home for Christmas. He never made it. 369 00:26:06,364 --> 00:26:09,026 There were a lot like that. 370 00:26:09,067 --> 00:26:13,333 The family presented it to us, still edible as the day it was made. 371 00:26:13,371 --> 00:26:16,738 Lovejoy? Jolly, museum director. We spoke on the phone. 372 00:26:16,775 --> 00:26:19,710 Yes. This is my associate, Eric Catchpole. 373 00:26:19,744 --> 00:26:22,076 Pleased to meet you, erm... sir. 374 00:26:22,113 --> 00:26:26,516 And of course, this reprobate I know very well indeed. How are you keeping, Harry? 375 00:26:26,551 --> 00:26:29,247 - I cannae complain, sir. Yourself, sir? - Much the same. 376 00:26:29,287 --> 00:26:31,619 - Tin leg giving me gyp, going blind. - (Clanking) 377 00:26:32,257 --> 00:26:35,226 I didn't even know Bucknall was dead till I read it in the papers. 378 00:26:35,260 --> 00:26:37,694 How come no one was asked to the funeral? 379 00:26:37,729 --> 00:26:41,995 That's how he wanted it, sir. He put it in his will, said it was to be a private affair. 380 00:26:42,033 --> 00:26:45,093 I suppose he just didnae want to bother anybody. 381 00:26:45,136 --> 00:26:46,899 You know what he was like, sir. 382 00:26:46,938 --> 00:26:51,875 Harry, would you show Eric the things you showed me? Commander, could I have a word? 383 00:26:54,512 --> 00:26:57,140 I thought you might like to see Captain Bucknall's medals. 384 00:26:57,182 --> 00:27:01,209 Oh, it's all right, Lovejoy. I think I know what they look like. 385 00:27:01,252 --> 00:27:03,652 Yes. 386 00:27:03,688 --> 00:27:06,885 I've had a pretty firm offer of four and a half thousand. 387 00:27:06,925 --> 00:27:08,916 Well, then, I'd take it, if I were you. 388 00:27:08,960 --> 00:27:12,919 Your brief is to sell those medals for Bucknall's sister for as much as you can make. 389 00:27:12,964 --> 00:27:14,955 We would love to have them here, 390 00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:19,061 but the best we could do would be two thousand, maybe two thousand five hundred. 391 00:27:19,104 --> 00:27:20,969 Even that would be after an appeal. 392 00:27:21,006 --> 00:27:25,375 - You see the predicament I'm in, Commander. - Oh, absolutely. Happens to us all the time. 393 00:27:25,410 --> 00:27:31,042 All museums are the same. We're all in the same boat, so to speak. 394 00:27:31,082 --> 00:27:36,315 And there's more of our history in private safe deposit boxes than on display. 395 00:27:36,354 --> 00:27:40,450 Might I ask what Harry Mackie's role is in all this? 396 00:27:40,492 --> 00:27:43,950 Oh, nothing, apart from being instrumental in us being here. 397 00:27:43,995 --> 00:27:45,428 Oh, I see. 398 00:27:46,331 --> 00:27:48,322 (Harry) There you go. 399 00:27:50,702 --> 00:27:55,002 Welcome to home, sweet home. 400 00:27:55,040 --> 00:27:57,873 I can't stand confined spaces. Even my car's a convertible. 401 00:27:57,909 --> 00:28:02,505 - And it stinks. - Like a coffin with the handles on the inside. 402 00:28:02,547 --> 00:28:04,811 - Oh, great! - (Laughs) 403 00:28:04,849 --> 00:28:09,183 It's a... It's a bit claustrophobic, isn't it, Harry? 404 00:28:09,220 --> 00:28:11,916 Claustrophobic? The place is deserted. 405 00:28:11,956 --> 00:28:13,719 If you think this is claustrophobic, 406 00:28:13,758 --> 00:28:18,525 what do you think it was like when there was 70 other Jacks in here along wi' you? 407 00:28:18,563 --> 00:28:20,554 70? Oh... 408 00:28:24,269 --> 00:28:28,968 Harry? Harry, is there... any chance of any fresh air? 409 00:28:29,007 --> 00:28:32,408 It's a bit, uh... a bit close in here. 410 00:28:32,444 --> 00:28:36,244 You see, you, you would not have lasted five minutes in real action. 411 00:28:36,281 --> 00:28:38,772 You haven't even looked through the periscope yet. 412 00:28:38,817 --> 00:28:41,149 I saw John Mills do it in Above Us The Waves. 413 00:28:41,686 --> 00:28:42,948 Oh! 414 00:28:42,987 --> 00:28:46,923 - (Klaxon) - Emergency stationsl Emergency stationsl 415 00:28:46,958 --> 00:28:49,586 (Harry) It's all right. You're all right. 416 00:28:49,627 --> 00:28:52,858 (Klaxon) 417 00:28:52,897 --> 00:28:55,024 Prepare to dive. Prepare to dive. 418 00:28:56,067 --> 00:28:58,092 (Eric) Does it never end? 419 00:28:58,136 --> 00:29:01,003 Shut doors, shut doors. Dive, dive, divel 420 00:29:01,039 --> 00:29:03,030 Harry, I'm going to faint. 421 00:29:04,142 --> 00:29:06,133 - That's locked. - (Loud banging) 422 00:29:11,182 --> 00:29:13,742 - (Klaxon continues) - (Laughs) There you are. 423 00:29:16,955 --> 00:29:19,287 (Harry laughs loudly) 424 00:29:19,324 --> 00:29:22,157 What a right pair of lubbers you are! 425 00:29:22,193 --> 00:29:24,559 And it's your fault. You pulled that lever. 426 00:29:24,596 --> 00:29:27,827 You set off all the sound effects we give to the tourists. 427 00:29:54,692 --> 00:29:56,956 Hi. Is that Lovejoy? 428 00:29:58,129 --> 00:30:00,620 Well, who are you? Eric who? 429 00:30:00,665 --> 00:30:02,963 Catch what? 430 00:30:03,001 --> 00:30:05,367 Auction rooms? Which auction rooms? 431 00:30:05,403 --> 00:30:07,371 Well, how long's he going to be there? 432 00:30:07,405 --> 00:30:09,771 Great. Thanks. 433 00:30:09,808 --> 00:30:14,438 With the best will in the world, Janey, I can't sell the stuff to the Submarine Museum. 434 00:30:14,479 --> 00:30:16,447 Well, she can't sell it herself. 435 00:30:16,481 --> 00:30:20,110 She'd probably end up owing the buyer money, knowing Vera. 436 00:30:25,089 --> 00:30:29,025 Hi, I'm Fiona, Jeremy Prince's P.A. You're Lovejoy, right? 437 00:30:29,060 --> 00:30:31,756 You're selling Bucknall's gongs. I'm here to see them. 438 00:30:31,796 --> 00:30:34,890 - Looks like your prayers have been answered. - Have you got them with you? 439 00:30:34,933 --> 00:30:36,924 Hi, Lucy, it's Fiona for Jeremy, right? 440 00:30:36,968 --> 00:30:39,596 - Who's Jeremy? - I'm in the sticks with this dealer guy. 441 00:30:39,637 --> 00:30:42,970 Prince, the fashion photographer. Vogue, Elle, the Zerba jeans campaign? 442 00:30:43,007 --> 00:30:46,374 No. God, we really are in the elephant grass today. Tel him to hurry up. 443 00:30:46,411 --> 00:30:48,777 You look like the guy who plays for Chelsea. 444 00:30:48,813 --> 00:30:50,542 - The football team? - No, the band. 445 00:30:50,582 --> 00:30:52,982 Come on, Lucy, really. I'm waiting here, hurry up. 446 00:30:53,017 --> 00:30:57,044 - Fiona, who sent you? - Lenskin. Listen, when can I see the stuff? 447 00:30:57,088 --> 00:31:00,114 I've got a casting session at five. You do take credit cards? 448 00:31:00,158 --> 00:31:03,218 - That's a nice jacket. - Fiona, this is an auction. 449 00:31:03,261 --> 00:31:07,095 I'll be here till five o'clock with my associate. My place, five thirty. 450 00:31:07,131 --> 00:31:10,225 Jeremy? Darling, yes, I'm with him now. No, I haven't seen them. 451 00:31:10,268 --> 00:31:14,102 Yes, yes, I've told him. Yes, Jeremy, I told him I was casting at five. 452 00:31:14,138 --> 00:31:18,268 - He wants me to come back at five thirty. - Fiona, I'm trying to be polite here. 453 00:31:18,309 --> 00:31:23,008 Er... Yes, Jeremy, I'll tell him. Listen, he wants to speak to you. He's in a real hurry, OK? 454 00:31:23,047 --> 00:31:26,414 Hold on, Jeremy. Five thirty. 455 00:31:26,451 --> 00:31:28,851 - We close at five thirty. - Fiona? 456 00:31:29,721 --> 00:31:32,849 - Fional - Erm... Jeremy. Small problem. 457 00:31:32,891 --> 00:31:36,224 - I can't get to the phone. - What? It sounds as if you're in the loo. 458 00:31:37,061 --> 00:31:42,260 Eric, I reckon if Lovejoy was paying you the proper rate for restoring that thing, 459 00:31:42,300 --> 00:31:44,393 you could afford a set of six by now. 460 00:31:44,435 --> 00:31:48,098 Have you ever heard of the satisfaction in a job well done, Tinker? 461 00:31:49,674 --> 00:31:51,665 (Burglar alarm ringing) 462 00:31:59,784 --> 00:32:03,720 - What on earth's going on? - Alarm went at the station ten minutes ago. 463 00:32:03,755 --> 00:32:05,848 - Have we been burgled? - Not as far as we can see. 464 00:32:05,890 --> 00:32:08,450 Someone's had a go at the downstairs toilet window, 465 00:32:08,493 --> 00:32:12,054 but I'm pretty sure they legged it when the alarm went off. I'll look inside. 466 00:32:16,768 --> 00:32:21,762 I'm on my own. My husband's in Hong Kong. You don't suppose they'll come back, do you? 467 00:32:21,806 --> 00:32:24,104 No, I wouldn't have thought so. 468 00:32:24,142 --> 00:32:27,168 Yes, he's taken them out of the safe and I'm about to look at them. 469 00:32:27,211 --> 00:32:30,647 Could I have that magnifying glass? Could you hold them up for me? 470 00:32:30,682 --> 00:32:33,310 OK, I'm looking at a D.S.O. And Bar, 471 00:32:33,351 --> 00:32:36,650 an O.B.E., a D.S.C. And an N.G.S. With a Palestine clasp. 472 00:32:36,688 --> 00:32:39,486 Bit higher. Hold it so I can read it. Jeremy, are you there? 473 00:32:39,524 --> 00:32:43,119 OK, it reads, "Sub-Lieutenant T.H. Bucknall R.N." 474 00:32:43,161 --> 00:32:45,095 Yes, that looks like the only named medal. 475 00:32:45,129 --> 00:32:49,031 Then there's four stars including Africa and Atlantic, and a Defence and War medal. 476 00:32:49,067 --> 00:32:50,534 Yes, all in fine condition. 477 00:32:50,568 --> 00:32:52,695 You can put them down now. Thank you. 478 00:32:52,737 --> 00:32:55,672 What is that awful smell in here? Glue or something? 479 00:32:55,707 --> 00:32:57,607 Three and a half K, cash, now. 480 00:32:57,642 --> 00:32:59,701 - Three seven five? - He's stalling. 481 00:32:59,744 --> 00:33:03,578 - Do you know who you're dealing with? - A smart ass with an aerial in her ear. 482 00:33:03,614 --> 00:33:06,048 Jeremy Prince is one of the world's greatest photographers. 483 00:33:06,084 --> 00:33:09,952 He also has one of the finest collections of naval decorations in the world, 484 00:33:09,988 --> 00:33:11,888 including a Victoria Cross. 485 00:33:11,923 --> 00:33:14,585 If he wants Bucknall's medals, he'll have them. 486 00:33:14,625 --> 00:33:17,423 Not at three thousand seven hundred and fifty, he won't. 487 00:33:17,462 --> 00:33:19,794 Leave your number. I'll tell you when the auction starts. 488 00:33:19,831 --> 00:33:23,597 Look, Lovejoy, I know this junk shop isn't exactly Bond Street, but... 489 00:33:23,634 --> 00:33:27,570 Ooh, you are treading on very dangerous ground. Now, Fiona... 490 00:33:27,605 --> 00:33:32,668 Look, what I am trying to say is that I am authorized to go up to four grand, max. 491 00:33:32,710 --> 00:33:36,339 But that's only if I can take Bucknall's medals back to town with me right now, OK? 492 00:33:36,381 --> 00:33:39,544 I've told you, leave your phone number, I'll be in touch. 493 00:33:39,584 --> 00:33:42,678 Look, do you realize I could lose my job over this? 494 00:33:42,720 --> 00:33:45,655 So what? They always need another witch in Macbeth. 495 00:33:48,126 --> 00:33:50,253 - Lovejoy! - What? 496 00:33:50,294 --> 00:33:52,592 - Lady Jane on the phone. - Right. 497 00:33:53,398 --> 00:33:55,593 Listen, Lovejoy, let's try this another way. 498 00:33:55,633 --> 00:33:59,228 Jeremy's very used to negotiating. He's got clients worldwide. 499 00:33:59,270 --> 00:34:01,864 Don't you realize I'm trying to do my best here? 500 00:34:05,376 --> 00:34:07,970 Are you sure a cheese and pickle sandwich is all you want? 501 00:34:08,012 --> 00:34:12,779 - There's some cold pheasant in the fridge. - Cheese and pickle's perfect. 502 00:34:12,817 --> 00:34:14,478 I've made up a spare bedroom. 503 00:34:14,519 --> 00:34:18,148 The sofa's fine. I doubt if anybody'll be back, anyway. 504 00:34:18,189 --> 00:34:21,989 There wasn't anyone else I could ask. I couldn't face spending the night here alone. 505 00:34:22,026 --> 00:34:25,223 The white knight's here with his trusty baseball bat. 506 00:34:27,498 --> 00:34:31,161 - I heard from Victoria. - Yeah? 507 00:34:31,202 --> 00:34:33,568 Do you want to talk about it? 508 00:34:33,604 --> 00:34:35,595 No. 509 00:34:40,011 --> 00:34:42,445 Yeah, I get around. Tahiti one week, L.A. The next. 510 00:34:42,480 --> 00:34:45,347 I go to Paris so often, I've got a season ticket with Air France. 511 00:34:45,383 --> 00:34:48,181 So you get to meet a lot of the models, then, do you? 512 00:34:48,219 --> 00:34:50,414 Some of my best friends are models, yes. 513 00:34:50,455 --> 00:34:54,551 - Where is he? - He's probably in Rome or Helsinki. 514 00:34:54,592 --> 00:34:56,924 He gets around, but he'll be here, don't worry. 515 00:34:56,961 --> 00:34:59,088 So, erm... 516 00:34:59,130 --> 00:35:02,190 So, what are they like in real life, then, you know? 517 00:35:05,236 --> 00:35:08,433 Oh, hi, Lovejoy. Glad you showed. Jeremy sends his love. 518 00:35:10,274 --> 00:35:11,263 His love? 519 00:35:11,309 --> 00:35:14,540 He wonders if you could pop up to town today with Bucknall's medals? 520 00:35:14,579 --> 00:35:17,343 - Why can't he pop up here? - He's really busy. 521 00:35:17,381 --> 00:35:19,281 He's off to Albania next week. 522 00:35:19,317 --> 00:35:21,808 It's dusty in here. You ought to get an ionizer. 523 00:35:21,853 --> 00:35:24,913 He's got a mega yogurt shoot on, and he's up to here, right? 524 00:35:24,956 --> 00:35:26,719 Well, I'm up to here too. 525 00:35:26,757 --> 00:35:30,284 Well, I don't mind going. I'll go. I mean, I'll take 'em down. 526 00:35:30,328 --> 00:35:34,526 And I'll navigate. Otherwise he'll be away all month. 527 00:35:34,565 --> 00:35:38,626 Yeah, all right. Somehow I don't think it's medals you've got in mind, though. 528 00:35:39,504 --> 00:35:42,803 Hi, Lucy, it's me. Listen, can you tell Jeremy I'm on my way home? 529 00:35:42,840 --> 00:35:45,206 - Have you ever tried hair gel? - I beg your pardon? 530 00:35:45,243 --> 00:35:48,804 You should. Yeah, tell him I'll check in the minute I hit the North Circular. 531 00:35:48,846 --> 00:35:50,837 That's it. Lovely. 532 00:35:50,882 --> 00:35:52,873 Smile. Bigger smile. 533 00:35:52,917 --> 00:35:54,578 Great. Fantastic. 534 00:35:55,720 --> 00:35:58,780 Jesus! Where did we get her from? Battersea Dogs Home? 535 00:35:59,924 --> 00:36:02,324 Jeremy Prince? 536 00:36:02,360 --> 00:36:06,091 - Lovejoy and associates. - Oh, yeah. The guy with the fruit salad. 537 00:36:06,130 --> 00:36:07,859 - I beg your pardon? - The gongs. 538 00:36:07,899 --> 00:36:09,890 - Hey? - Bucknall's gongs. 539 00:36:09,934 --> 00:36:12,528 Come on, follow me. 540 00:36:12,570 --> 00:36:14,162 OK, everyone, take five. 541 00:36:14,205 --> 00:36:15,672 - Jeremy... - Not now, darling. 542 00:36:15,706 --> 00:36:18,834 - What time are you going to use me? - Excuse me, sweetie. 543 00:36:23,915 --> 00:36:27,646 - This is yours, I believe. - Just stick it in the corner over there. 544 00:36:27,685 --> 00:36:30,483 And don't touch anything! 545 00:36:31,822 --> 00:36:34,313 Now, then, let's have a look at this lot. 546 00:36:34,358 --> 00:36:36,849 Everything's here? The named medal too? 547 00:36:36,894 --> 00:36:40,352 - There's also a Jolly Roger. - No, thanks. I'm not into flags. 548 00:36:41,465 --> 00:36:44,866 - This is a bit tasteless, isn't it? - Good God! 549 00:36:45,436 --> 00:36:48,405 - A V.C. - It's only a repro. 550 00:36:48,439 --> 00:36:50,339 The real thing's locked in the bank. 551 00:36:50,374 --> 00:36:52,934 Now, then, this lot. 552 00:36:52,977 --> 00:36:54,911 Four and a half Ks. Cash. 553 00:36:54,946 --> 00:36:58,677 All right? That's it, you cream off whatever you want. 554 00:36:58,716 --> 00:37:01,241 We'd still have to consult our client. 555 00:37:01,285 --> 00:37:04,152 - And who's your client? - Bucknall's sister, Vera... Erm... 556 00:37:05,623 --> 00:37:07,784 Hi, guys. Where's Lovejoy? 557 00:37:07,825 --> 00:37:10,692 You mean neither of these blokes is Lovejoy? 558 00:37:10,728 --> 00:37:14,664 No, they're just the monkeys. The organ grinder's stayed in the sticks. 559 00:37:14,699 --> 00:37:16,690 Then you can't negotiate, can you? 560 00:37:16,734 --> 00:37:19,726 Sorry, fellas, but this is really wasting my time. 561 00:37:21,138 --> 00:37:23,265 I wouldn't have let you in, had I known. 562 00:37:24,275 --> 00:37:28,075 - Give them some yogurts to take back. - Oh, right. What flavor would you like? 563 00:37:28,112 --> 00:37:30,546 Erm... Butterscotch, please. 564 00:37:32,650 --> 00:37:36,108 - What did you say that for? - Cos I like butterscotch. 565 00:37:38,723 --> 00:37:41,123 (Lovejoy) This photographer that Tinker spoke to, 566 00:37:41,158 --> 00:37:44,025 he offered four and a half grand. 567 00:37:45,529 --> 00:37:47,520 My goodness, Lovejoy! 568 00:37:48,933 --> 00:37:50,924 That is a lot, isn't it? 569 00:37:50,968 --> 00:37:53,766 Four and a half grand, you say? Hey, that's great! 570 00:37:53,804 --> 00:37:57,171 I'm sorry, Vera, but we don't think this photographer is worthy of them. 571 00:37:57,208 --> 00:37:59,870 But he's got the money. 572 00:37:59,910 --> 00:38:04,142 Don't you think we should take it before he changes his mind? 573 00:38:04,181 --> 00:38:06,172 Listen, give me a little more time, 574 00:38:06,217 --> 00:38:11,211 and I think I might be able to get another buyer and maybe get more money. 575 00:38:14,425 --> 00:38:16,416 What do you think, Harry? 576 00:38:17,395 --> 00:38:21,388 I think Lovejoy's right. I think you should give him a wee bit more time. 577 00:38:23,668 --> 00:38:27,331 And a named medal. The N.G.S. With a Palestine clasp. 578 00:38:27,371 --> 00:38:32,035 Yes, Mr. O'Neill, I've informed Jeremy Prince but other collectors might like to have a crack. 579 00:38:32,076 --> 00:38:36,479 Yes, yes, I've spoken to him and the Submarine Museum. 580 00:38:36,514 --> 00:38:39,608 Yep, yep, OK, thank you. Thank you, Mr. O'Neill. Bye. 581 00:38:40,618 --> 00:38:42,984 He'll only go to four. Is that it? 582 00:38:43,020 --> 00:38:45,648 Yes, well, one of the numbers was out of order. 583 00:38:45,690 --> 00:38:48,523 - (Car door closing) - Uh-oh! 584 00:38:48,559 --> 00:38:52,427 - Trick and Treat! - Hi, Lovejoy. This is Jeremy Prince. 585 00:38:52,463 --> 00:38:55,227 - Hi. - Hi, guys. 586 00:38:55,266 --> 00:38:57,461 - Tried the hair gel yet? - (Splutters) 587 00:38:57,501 --> 00:39:00,664 Erm... No, I haven't. I couldn't get any round here. 588 00:39:00,705 --> 00:39:03,173 That doesn't surprise me. I'll send you a tub. 589 00:39:03,207 --> 00:39:06,574 - I've come for Bucknall's medals. - All the bids aren't in yet. 590 00:39:06,610 --> 00:39:09,738 - (Phone) - They are now. 591 00:39:13,517 --> 00:39:18,716 - Iris, I can't talk now. He's wheeling. - Bucknall's sister signed it. Here's the cash. 592 00:39:18,756 --> 00:39:20,246 - Bye. - Subject to viewing. 593 00:39:21,359 --> 00:39:23,657 Get her on the phone, Tink. 594 00:39:23,694 --> 00:39:26,629 Why are you so interested in Bucknall's medals? 595 00:39:26,664 --> 00:39:28,962 I don't give a damn about Bucknall. 596 00:39:28,999 --> 00:39:33,436 I'm a naval medal collector. If they don't belong to me, they belong to the competition. 597 00:39:33,471 --> 00:39:37,737 - There's no reply. - Do you have a deep connection with the sea? 598 00:39:37,775 --> 00:39:41,176 The sea? None, I hate it. Come on, Lovejoy, you're stalling. 599 00:39:41,212 --> 00:39:44,875 You've got the bill of sale. The medals are as good as mine. Let's have them. 600 00:39:44,915 --> 00:39:47,179 I think we should check with our client first. 601 00:39:49,887 --> 00:39:52,549 Shouldn't be too difficult. 602 00:39:53,290 --> 00:39:55,850 - Vera. Nice to see you. - Hello, Lovejoy. 603 00:39:55,893 --> 00:39:59,659 I tried calling you but your phone was always engaged. 604 00:39:59,697 --> 00:40:02,029 I know. 605 00:40:02,066 --> 00:40:07,868 Mr. Prince showed me all the money and promised that he'd never sell them. 606 00:40:08,706 --> 00:40:11,106 It's probably for the best, Vera. 607 00:40:11,142 --> 00:40:13,872 So, can we do the business or not? 608 00:40:13,911 --> 00:40:17,745 - Look, Lovejoy, I've come a long way. - Eric, would you get the medals for Mr. Prince? 609 00:40:17,782 --> 00:40:20,410 Jeremy, would you give the money to Tinker, so he can count it? 610 00:40:20,451 --> 00:40:26,447 Vera, come with me. I'm going to sit you down and get you a nice glass of Pimm's. 611 00:40:26,490 --> 00:40:29,357 - Boss! - Oh, Lovejoy, that would be very welcome. 612 00:40:29,393 --> 00:40:31,520 - They're not here. - What? 613 00:40:31,562 --> 00:40:33,587 Someone's had the back of the safe off. 614 00:40:33,631 --> 00:40:36,429 They've chiseled through the back like butter. 615 00:40:37,435 --> 00:40:40,404 Trust you to buy a cheap safe, Lovejoy. 616 00:40:40,438 --> 00:40:44,465 The only chiseling that's been done around here is by you bunch of crooks. 617 00:40:44,508 --> 00:40:47,705 - What's that supposed to mean? - This is all a bloody con. 618 00:40:47,745 --> 00:40:49,975 They're robbing it themselves, Vera. 619 00:40:50,014 --> 00:40:53,211 They're just playing for time until they can find some other punter. 620 00:40:53,250 --> 00:40:57,050 Hold on, Jeremy. We're not a charity, our percentage just went out the back. 621 00:40:57,087 --> 00:40:59,681 - She knew where they were. - Don't point, it's rude. 622 00:40:59,723 --> 00:41:02,123 - And she had the opportunity. - Don't be ridiculous. 623 00:41:02,159 --> 00:41:04,957 - And put that finger away. - Sorry. 624 00:41:04,995 --> 00:41:08,192 Keep your medals in a vault, don't you? Never to see the light of day again. 625 00:41:08,232 --> 00:41:10,666 Just between you and a flashlight? 626 00:41:12,069 --> 00:41:17,405 You know, you've got nice teeth. Say that again and you'll be carrying 'em around in your wallet. 627 00:41:17,441 --> 00:41:21,275 Oh, yeah? And you're going to be eating your next meal through a straw, mate. 628 00:41:21,312 --> 00:41:24,179 - I can't talk. We're in a crisis here. - Oh, yeah? Be careful. 629 00:41:24,215 --> 00:41:26,649 What about me? 630 00:41:26,684 --> 00:41:29,653 They were my brother's medals. 631 00:41:29,687 --> 00:41:32,383 Doesn't anybody care about me? 632 00:41:32,423 --> 00:41:36,689 Oh, Vera, it'll be all right. 633 00:41:37,628 --> 00:41:41,894 I'll get the police round and I'll file a claim with the insurance. 634 00:41:46,437 --> 00:41:48,428 Janey! 635 00:41:49,106 --> 00:41:51,074 Janey! 636 00:41:51,108 --> 00:41:56,341 My insurance has run out and I'm four and a half grand adrift. 637 00:41:56,380 --> 00:41:58,371 - Any idea who stole them? - No. 638 00:42:00,851 --> 00:42:03,615 That's right. A smart-looking Scotsman with a blazer. 639 00:42:03,654 --> 00:42:08,114 - Said he was in submarines in the war. - Didn't catch his name, did you, Xanthe? 640 00:42:08,158 --> 00:42:10,626 Afraid not. 641 00:42:10,661 --> 00:42:15,963 There must have been eight or nine medals. I told him to try the auction rooms. 642 00:42:16,000 --> 00:42:18,798 - When was this? - This morning. 643 00:42:18,836 --> 00:42:24,866 - And they don't open till this afternoon. - Xanthe, you are an absolute darling! 644 00:42:28,779 --> 00:42:31,748 - He went in a couple of minutes ago. - Carrying a plastic bag. 645 00:42:31,782 --> 00:42:33,773 Yeah, old habits die hard, eh? 646 00:42:35,019 --> 00:42:37,749 That's the Atlantic Star, the Africa Star, the... 647 00:42:37,788 --> 00:42:39,779 - Peter! - What's going on? 648 00:42:39,823 --> 00:42:43,782 Mr. Mackie here has been trying to offload something that he shouldn't. 649 00:42:43,827 --> 00:42:46,625 - What are you talking about? - I want to keep this in the family. 650 00:42:46,664 --> 00:42:50,122 - What the hell is going on here? - These are not Buck's medals. 651 00:42:50,167 --> 00:42:53,364 Of course they're not Buck's medals. They're my bloody medals. 652 00:42:53,404 --> 00:42:57,101 - Why are you trying to sell your medals? - Think about it. 653 00:42:57,875 --> 00:43:01,106 I was trying to make up the difference between what the museum can afford 654 00:43:01,145 --> 00:43:04,308 and that offer from your bloody photographer pal. 655 00:43:04,348 --> 00:43:06,908 I wish you'd told us, Harry. 656 00:43:06,951 --> 00:43:10,114 Why'd I have to tell anybody? It was personal. 657 00:43:10,888 --> 00:43:13,118 It was between me and Buck. 658 00:43:14,124 --> 00:43:17,218 I owe that man a hell of a lot. He spoke up for me in court once. 659 00:43:17,261 --> 00:43:22,597 I was definitely down for a ten-stretch, but because of what he said, I only got five. 660 00:43:23,634 --> 00:43:27,161 But I did tell you about your bloody safe, didn't I? 661 00:43:28,739 --> 00:43:34,405 Why don't we buy a set of odd medals with no history and string 'em together? 662 00:43:34,445 --> 00:43:36,436 Definitely not a professional. 663 00:43:36,480 --> 00:43:40,678 I mean, he didnae try to open it. He just attacked it wi' a blunt instrument. 664 00:43:40,718 --> 00:43:43,016 Old Pop-Off would make us up a citation. 665 00:43:43,053 --> 00:43:46,284 He'll make the Magna Carta for you if you give him enough time. 666 00:43:46,323 --> 00:43:49,486 (Shouting in Italian) 667 00:43:51,495 --> 00:43:53,486 (Speaking Italian) 668 00:43:55,165 --> 00:43:58,794 - His name is Angel Trousers. - Angel Trousers? 669 00:43:58,836 --> 00:44:04,206 I am a... (Speaking Italian) 670 00:44:05,042 --> 00:44:08,170 Uh... I am son of protectors 671 00:44:08,212 --> 00:44:11,841 of the glorious name of II Duce Benito Mussolini. 672 00:44:13,550 --> 00:44:18,180 For fifty years we have, uh... Stronso. 673 00:44:18,222 --> 00:44:23,250 - (Speaking Italian) - To search for. 674 00:44:23,293 --> 00:44:28,356 Yes, yes. We have-a search for this-a Capitano Buckinallo and his... 675 00:44:29,667 --> 00:44:31,430 ...equipaggio. - Crew. 676 00:44:31,468 --> 00:44:35,131 (Conversing in Italian) 677 00:44:35,172 --> 00:44:37,504 (Speaking Italian) 678 00:44:38,475 --> 00:44:42,707 (Speaking Italian) 679 00:44:42,746 --> 00:44:45,647 (Conversing in Italian) 680 00:44:45,683 --> 00:44:49,050 We can sit down and lower our arms, but no tricks. 681 00:44:50,954 --> 00:44:57,416 Allora... we search for this Capitano Buckinallo and his crew of assassini. 682 00:44:57,461 --> 00:45:00,055 - Killers. - Yes... Killers. 683 00:45:00,097 --> 00:45:02,292 These-a sinkers of Italian ships of war. 684 00:45:02,332 --> 00:45:06,063 My God, he's come to take revenge because we sank the Michelangelo. 685 00:45:06,103 --> 00:45:07,798 Shut up, Harry. Keep quiet. 686 00:45:07,838 --> 00:45:11,171 - Till one day... (Speaking Italian) - Si. 687 00:45:11,208 --> 00:45:13,438 I am-a sent-a this. 688 00:45:15,245 --> 00:45:17,543 Il Duce, with a man. 689 00:45:17,581 --> 00:45:23,019 This man... (Speaking Italian) ...was my father. 690 00:45:23,053 --> 00:45:25,487 - And-a this-a picture was-a took... - Taken. 691 00:45:25,522 --> 00:45:28,616 Taken, grazie, at the Villa Valesso. 692 00:45:28,659 --> 00:45:35,394 - My father was... (Speaking Italian) - Bodyguard. 693 00:45:35,432 --> 00:45:39,869 Bodyguard of II Duce and of this beautiful villa, 694 00:45:39,903 --> 00:45:43,134 that was completely destroyed by this capitano and his crew. 695 00:45:43,173 --> 00:45:46,540 That's a lie. The place was like a midden when we arrived there. 696 00:45:46,577 --> 00:45:47,703 Shut up, Harry! 697 00:45:47,745 --> 00:45:50,612 If Angel Trousers says Captain Buckinallo destroyed the villa, 698 00:45:50,647 --> 00:45:53,309 then Capitano Buckinallo destroyed the villa! 699 00:45:53,584 --> 00:45:55,575 I'm sorry, Trousers. 700 00:45:56,653 --> 00:46:01,283 - Capitano Buckinallo strike this... Scultura? - Sculpture. 701 00:46:01,325 --> 00:46:04,055 Strike the sculpture of II Duce and mutilate it! 702 00:46:04,094 --> 00:46:08,554 Eh? Mutilate it! (Shouting in Italian) 703 00:46:09,800 --> 00:46:14,737 (Speaking Italian)... we have-a this sculpture. 704 00:46:14,772 --> 00:46:17,070 Yes, we have it! 705 00:46:17,107 --> 00:46:20,270 I am-a here for-a one thing. 706 00:46:20,310 --> 00:46:22,471 And-a one thing only. 707 00:46:27,618 --> 00:46:33,250 (Speaking Italian) 708 00:46:33,290 --> 00:46:38,227 To stick back onto the sculpture, and make it whole again. 709 00:46:39,496 --> 00:46:43,762 He wants Mussolini's glorious and imperial nose. 710 00:46:46,770 --> 00:46:48,863 Mussolini's nose? 711 00:46:53,210 --> 00:46:57,306 Oh, that stone hooter that was in Bucknall's belongings! 712 00:46:57,347 --> 00:46:59,338 Ah! Angelo! 713 00:47:01,385 --> 00:47:03,376 II "nazay"? 714 00:47:06,156 --> 00:47:08,147 (Speaking Italian) 715 00:47:10,227 --> 00:47:14,994 (Speaking Italian) 716 00:47:15,032 --> 00:47:19,594 (Shouting in Italian) 717 00:47:19,636 --> 00:47:22,833 He's thanking God for finding the nose. 718 00:47:22,873 --> 00:47:25,603 If I had not-a find-a this nose, 719 00:47:26,510 --> 00:47:29,604 I throw these into the Mediterraneo. 720 00:47:32,182 --> 00:47:36,380 Now, I make-a you an offer you cannot refuse. 721 00:47:37,387 --> 00:47:39,514 - He don't do it as good as Brando. - Sh. 722 00:47:39,556 --> 00:47:43,617 In this packet is five millioni lire. 723 00:47:43,660 --> 00:47:45,651 You take it or leave it. 724 00:47:45,696 --> 00:47:50,133 If you leave it, you all die. Every one of you. 725 00:47:51,068 --> 00:47:54,526 - I want... (Speaking Italian) - A bill of sale. 726 00:47:55,539 --> 00:47:59,031 And... no retribution, eh? 727 00:47:59,509 --> 00:48:01,909 Nothing. Niente. Understand? 728 00:48:01,945 --> 00:48:05,574 Well, sure, it sounds good to me. What about you fellas? 729 00:48:05,616 --> 00:48:07,777 - Great! - Yeah. Yeah. 730 00:48:07,818 --> 00:48:11,811 - Five million lire. How much is that, Tink? - About £2,400. 731 00:48:11,855 --> 00:48:14,983 Hey, that's just what we need to make up the difference. 732 00:48:16,727 --> 00:48:21,391 Er... Janey, would you ask him if we can sit down and do this like gentlemen? 733 00:48:21,431 --> 00:48:24,332 (Speaking Italian) 734 00:48:25,302 --> 00:48:27,463 (Speaking Italian) 735 00:48:27,504 --> 00:48:29,699 - (Creaking) - Now... 736 00:48:29,740 --> 00:48:31,367 bill of sale. 737 00:48:34,311 --> 00:48:36,836 Freeze! 738 00:48:36,880 --> 00:48:39,314 The bloody thing's plastic. 739 00:48:43,153 --> 00:48:46,486 Sorry. I'm so sorry. I... 740 00:48:47,991 --> 00:48:51,518 I beg you forgive me. Please, no call the police. 741 00:48:53,363 --> 00:48:55,354 I beg you. I only wanted the nose. 742 00:48:55,399 --> 00:48:58,129 (Sobbing) 743 00:48:58,168 --> 00:48:59,999 Will you stop whimpering? 744 00:49:02,973 --> 00:49:06,238 - You want the nose, right? - Sure, I do, per favore. 745 00:49:06,276 --> 00:49:08,267 Five million lire. 746 00:49:09,413 --> 00:49:13,213 Tell him it'll be another two hundred and fifty quid for the safe. 747 00:49:13,250 --> 00:49:17,243 (Speaking Italian) 748 00:49:19,890 --> 00:49:21,687 You take credit cards? 749 00:49:24,461 --> 00:49:29,592 Courage is something that we never know we have until the time comes. 750 00:49:29,633 --> 00:49:35,299 And those who have it in the first trial can never be sure it will be there the second or third time. 751 00:49:35,339 --> 00:49:39,105 Captain Bucknall clearly passed this test on every occasion. 752 00:49:39,142 --> 00:49:43,203 And the Submarine Museum is very grateful to his sister, Mrs. Monkwell, 753 00:49:43,246 --> 00:49:46,079 for allowing us to purchase his medals. 754 00:49:46,116 --> 00:49:48,641 They will be displayed among those of his peers, 755 00:49:48,685 --> 00:49:53,213 with all the prestige and prominence they so rightly deserve. Thank you. 756 00:49:55,926 --> 00:49:59,987 Right, you three chaps. Fall in for the photograph. In front of the case, there. 757 00:50:00,030 --> 00:50:03,022 Chop chop, chaps. Come on. 758 00:50:03,066 --> 00:50:05,057 Right, all yours, James. 759 00:50:07,604 --> 00:50:09,936 Hi, Jeremy, listen. Hang on a sec. 760 00:50:14,644 --> 00:50:17,909 There's a Conspicuous Gallantry medal, a British Empire medal. 761 00:50:17,948 --> 00:50:21,042 There's a 1939-'45 Star. There's four stars in all. 762 00:50:21,084 --> 00:50:24,679 '39-'45 Atlantic, Africa, Italy and then the Defence medal... 763 00:50:24,721 --> 00:50:27,622 - Excuse me, would you mind? - Just a sec. 764 00:50:27,657 --> 00:50:30,353 I would just like to say goodbye. 765 00:50:30,394 --> 00:50:32,385 Goodbye. 766 00:50:35,532 --> 00:50:37,557 (Laughter)